Ok, first sorry for the length. I decided to make my first post here on the new site, well...............long. I hope you are able to enjoy them to the end, and add some that I might have missed.
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar; his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
Chuck Norris never retreats; he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate a fucking Jeep.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Piñatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a Cyclops between the eye.
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelry."
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.
When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.
Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris doesn’t have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't fucking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."
Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Darth Vader dresses up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat he dosn't get wet the water gets Chuck Norrised
When girls have sex with god, they scream CHUCK NORRIS!!
There is no Life or Death, only Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking you in the face.
Chuck Norris' beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls of mortals.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
The original name of the movie was Alien vs Predator vs Chuck Norris, but the producers realized that nobody would ever watch a movie that only lasted fourteen seconds.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division.”
There is no 'Ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
When Chuck Norris is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn't go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Chuck Norris.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
When Chuck Norris has sex with men, it is not because he is gay, but because he has ran out of women.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles" contest. Chuck Norris won... by five.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris can beat the Sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.
A roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
There is no such thing as a lesbian; there are just girls who have never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com.
Chuck Norris invented the beard.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it effects the economy.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
Chuck Norris can rhyme orange and purple... with each other!
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Texas does not have a police force. They have Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck N orris's penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.
Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman lives.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
You are what you eat. Chuck Norris eats steel.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.
Anyone can piss on the floor, but chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
Most people put their pants on one leg at a time; Chuck Norris does both legs at once.
There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.
Chuck Norris believes it's not butter.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands
Chuck Norris let the dogs out
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris.
"Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris's cowboy boots are made of real cowboys
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they all knew karate, and they are now known as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Chuck Norris does not have a religion. The gods worship Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
The only thing better than Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris on TV, talking about Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
Chuck Norris doesn't get the belt, the belt get Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris. He won.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
The adjective "perfect" originated when Chuck Norris gave his penis a nickname.
The Bermuda triangle is a myth. That's just were Chuck Norris practices his round house kicks.
The Titanic didn't sink by hitting an iceberg, it really hit Chuck Norris' chin as he was making his usual laps around the North Atlantic.
When Chuck Norris talks to a Russian He doesn't speak Russian. The Russian, speaks Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage
When you are Chuck Norris every light claps on and off.
It only takes chuck Norris 1 lick to get to the center of a tootsie pop
Chuck Norris is not in your extended network, you are in his
Brokeback Mountain is not the name of a movie; it is the pile of dead ninjas in Chuck Norris' backyard
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn; he stands outside and dares it to grow.
When Bruce Willis gets mad, he turns into The Incredible Hulk. When The Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris knows the last two digits of Pi
Chuck Norris figured out a way to make his dick 10 inches long. He folded it in half.
Chuck Norris’ piss can clog a toilet, and his shit can weld titanium.
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