jokes for hump day

[jeff one086]

Love
The teacher asked the class if anyone could give the class an example of love.
Little Susie stood up and said, "I saw two robins making a nest together, I think that is love."
"Very good," said the teacher, "anyone else?"
Little Johnny stood up and said "I think love is 'fucking'."
The teacher was shocked and told little Johnny to go home and not to come back without a note from his father.
The next morning Little Johnny was back in class, the teacher asked, "Do you have a note from your father?"
Little Johnny said, "No, my father said love is fucking, and anyone that says it is not is a cock sucker and he doesn't correspond with cock suckers."

[jeff one086]

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

[jeff one086]

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'

[ThatShortGuy]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (jeff one086 @ Feb 18 2009, 12:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
&#39;What&#39;s wrong, Bill?&#39; she asked.
&#39;Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?&#39;
&#39;Oh, Bill, you didn&#39;t&#39; she exclaimed.
&#39;Yes, I did.&#39; he replied.

&#39;My God, Bill, what happened?&#39;

&#39;I got fired.&#39;

&#39;No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?&#39;

&#39;Oh...she got fired too.&#39;[/b]

HA!!!

[sweetmonique]

Those are Hilarious!!! LOL :)

[Epicurus]

Thanks for the jokes.

TJ ;)

[slmhusker]

Thanks Jeff! We all need a good laugh in times like these!

[carlie]

<div align='center'>Wine and Water
To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine.. . and those who don&#39;t.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health .
Therefore, it&#39;s better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I&#39;m doing it as a public service.</div>

[JustAnotherDude]

Disclaimer: I didn&#39;t write&#39;m, and I ain&#39;t hat&#39;n... (but I did laugh) (just post&#39;n what I&#39;ve seen to make other people smile... if yur a Texan or other Southerner... wellllll it&#39;s just a little humor. :P

Life in the Southern States

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, &#39;You graduated from the University ofTennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?&#39;

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, &#39;Everything but my earrings.&#39;


Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. &#39;Where&#39;s Henry?&#39; the others asked.

&#39;Henry had a stroke of some kind. He&#39;s a couple of miles back up the trail,&#39; the successful hunter replied.

&#39;You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?&#39; they inquired.

&#39;A tough call,&#39; nodded the hunter. &#39;But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!&#39;


Texas

The Sherriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don&#39;t you see that sign right over your head".
"Yep", he replied. "That&#39;s why I dumpin it here, cause it says &#39;Fine For Dumping Garbage&#39;.


Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... &#39;When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.&#39;
When asked why, he replied he&#39;d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, &#39;Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!&#39;
Bubba replied, &#39;Did you see who it was?&#39;
The young man answered, &#39;I couldn&#39;t tell, but I got his license number.&#39;


Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, &#39;Got any I.D.?&#39;
The driver replied, &#39;Bout whut?&#39;


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, &#39;I have a flat tire.&#39;
The passerby asked, &#39;But what&#39;s with the flowers?&#39;
The man responded, &#39;When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don&#39;t make no sense to me neither.&#39;


And this from South Carolina

You can say what you want about the South, but I ain&#39;t never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.
_________________

[JustAnotherDude]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.


**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn&#39;t matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."


**************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[JustAnotherDude]

Last couple... and I know it&#39;s now past Hump Day... but heck, smiling and laughing are IMPORTANT dammit! Hope you all enjoyed!



and




and finally... this perv got busted (but was it the time of his life???) Curious how many (and how often) our fair ladies wrap us poor guys around their little fingers? (pay particular attention to his "cash outlay" for all of this)


Hmmm runny nose? He sure sniff&#39;s a lot!


Have a good day all!

[DaSarge]

BEDROOM GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted (even encouraged) to check the shaft for stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course currently being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players&#39; equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider their private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advance players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play in encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner&#39;s request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[beatnik]

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks "What?"

He replies "SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn&#39;t get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while".

"Well, I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard&#39;s manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn&#39;t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was OK She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard&#39;s manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don&#39;t have?!?"

Howard smiled and replied...............








"Parkinson&#39;s"

[jeff one086]

Vodka, who Knew???

Who Knew???
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, Saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, Fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, Let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, Simply wipe the lenses with a soft, Clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka And letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on wine stains, Scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face. As an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, And stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka And spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9 Pour one-half cup vodka And one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag And freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, Pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar With freshly packed lavender flowers, Fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly And set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, Then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a wash cloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, Wash your feet with vodka.

13 Vodka will disinfect And alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy To remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

......And silly me! I&#39;ve only been drinking the stuff.

[jeff one086]

oldie that everyone has seen a doz times, but still funny.




Penis

I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or pub[l]ic holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response :

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you

Have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:


You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don&#39;t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina