Is a apathetic heart required to survive in the hobby?

[exoticezra]

Lol. Thank you!! Yes yes I know I’m well known for writing novels but it’s partly what I do for a living so I can’t help it. Plus I couldn’t sleep and really enjoyed the question ha. Not many go there...

[SecretE]

I had a period in this hobby, about a couple of years in, when my heart "hardened" a bit, after a few connections I thought I had with hobby ladies turned sour. I thought it was all just a business to everyone...and, yes, a lot of these women probably wouldn't see me, if there wasn't a "benefit" for them. However, at the end of the day, we are all still human beings. As I get older, I find myself gravitating more to the women here, who, while they are getting compensated, also don't act totally lousy with others. I do have boundaries....probably better, healthier boundaries than ever before. However, they now also have working doors that can open for those who gain my trust.

[risn2theoccasion2]

I had a period in this hobby, about a couple of years in, when my heart "hardened" a bit, after a few connections I thought I had with hobby ladies turned sour. I thought it was all just a business to everyone...and, yes, a lot of these women probably wouldn't see me, if there wasn't a "benefit" for them. However, at the end of the day, we are all still human beings. As I get older, I find myself gravitating more to the women here, who, while they are getting compensated, also don't act totally lousy with others. I do have boundaries....probably better, healthier boundaries than ever before. However, they now also have working doors that can open for those who gain my trust.

The art to making this a pleasurable experience for both parties is to make the experience as real life and natural as possible, yet keep it business. Hard thing to accomplish, that is why they call it an art.

Just don't do the following, unless you are TOTALLY sincere.
* Don't express, or fake, intimate feelings just to get more out of the person...unless you truly mean it. (Guys and Ladies are guilty of this!) This happens more than we know, and it HAS happened to me. Just be real.
* If you happen to do anything outside of the session, that is voluntary on YOUR part, don't expect special treatment unless previous expectations were set ahead of time. In others words, a loan is a loan....a gift is a gift.
* Honor all commitments. If you say you are going to do it. DO IT!

Just my 2 cents on SecretE's post.

[MeetJadeRose]

Nope, not at all. I relate a lot with some of exoticzra’s sentiments. There is a difference between compartmentalization or dissociation and dehumanizing. To have proper boundaries within a container, to withhold emotion that does not have an appropriate place in the container (romantic love), does not mean that plenty of care, empathy, kindness, & authenticity cannot exist. To have empathy does not necessarily mean we allow ourselves to get involved inappropriately, but to realize that this is still humans dealing in the context of business. I believe our values here ultimately come down to our humanity and how we relate to ourselves and the world. That we are always our “real” selves whether we are operating in a business mode or limited relationship.

If I’m operating within good boundaries for myself, which often means withholding parts of myself in this business, it does not mean I don’t have empathy or even that I’m not being authentic. It means that this is one part of me and good boundaries ensure I am not emotionally reliant in places where it’s inappropriate. Sometimes, people see more of my layers depending on our level of intimacy. Same with them.

That being said, we are going to be empathetic if empathy is something we possess in our regular lives. If empathy is something we feel we can turn on or off based on our judgements of whether or not someone is worth it, I think that’s worth looking at. I’m not saying that anything deserves our emotional investment but it could be good to look at the “why” if we feel we do withhold in certain parameters in life. I.e: our general belief system. I don’t believe “turning off” empathy is the same thing as exercising caution and withholding yourself in order to maintain a healthy boundary.

Also, I don’t believe that empathy has to look a certain way. I think many people believe that having empathy means you are a doormat and can open to getting taken advantage of, and often if our emotions are running our choices then yes, we may make decisions based on something that may not be based in reality. If we can face the reality of a relationship/situation and appreciate it for what it is, then we can make decisions based on choice and sometimes empathy influences that choice. It’s like giving, if we choose to give/be generous towards someone but do it with hopes or an expectation that we get something back, this says the person conflates empathy with expectation. Like using care and concern as a tool to get what they want. This does happen both ways and it’s why everyone is leery of doing it again. We set ourselves up for disappointment this way. In summary, I think having good physical and emotional boundaries are a good basis for anything, and empathy can exist effortlessly. Sometimes things get fucked up, and it’s often because people got involved where it wasn’t a good idea to get involved. Sometimes we just make honest choices and do get taken advantage of, that’s life and it’s our choice is we decide to show up differently because we were burned some time in the past. Getting “screwed over” is a tricky thing, it’s something that just happens no matter who you are. It could also be a cycle we are helping create for ourselves as well by repeating the same patterns.

There’s nothing wrong with communicating care for someone in this hobby, just know where things honestly stand. <3

[exoticezra]

JadeRose ,

I couldn’t agree more. That was perfectly put. It is also accurate as hell. Many many won’t even grasp your concept or POV until there has been some experience and some mistakes made. I mean unless they do a great job at researching this ENTIRE board, take notes and practice in the mirror 173 times lol. Otherwise, I believe we all eventually lose something here and hopefully most eventually gain plenty more here.

[Jennatx]

Unfortally some men have took my kindness for weakness in the hobby I know you should separate the two but over the yrs I have grown wiser.
Cause of you men taking the time to see me I was able to pay for apartments, Car note and my schooling for CNA. Also with my health up and down I have had
a few guys help me out when I was under the weather to pay for medication. (No it's not covid related I have liver disease )
That being said I will continue treating everyone with respect were all human and sometimes we really just want someone to talk to.

[risn2theoccasion2]

My personal perspective on the subject has changed significantly in recent days. What I find interesting is, how people can be so flippant in how they play with others lives, and how just a basic “I’m sorry” seems to be the cure all for any damage they may cause to others. One’s intentions are rather meaningless when the outcome results in destroying another person. For example, I doubt anyone whose driven intoxicated intended to harm anyone they may have hit with their car. I’m sure someone who carelessly played with a weapon intended to harm or even take someone’s life. I am certain we could come up with other examples. Unfortunately, it happens all to often. What we do, what we say, the promises we break can have devastating effects on others. Sometimes a simple apology cannot repair the damage.

Several things I have learned in life:

1. I have to own my crimes. My actions have consequences.

2. Confession is good for the soul and starts the healing process, not only for the offended but for the offender as well. But, it DOES’NT make things right.

3. Granting forgiveness is more beneficial for my healing than it is for the person who offended me, however forgiveness doesn’t require us to forget what the person did to us. If forgiveness results in someone forgetting the offense, consider yourself exceptionally blessed if YOU are the offending party.

4. If I am truly sorry for what I may have done to hurt someone, I shall try to go above and beyond to make up for my atrocities in an effort to make it right.

5. Karma can be one hell-of-a bitch.

6. Sadly, sometimes we truly do not realize what we had, until it’s gone. We usually have more people at our funeral than our Birthday celebrations.

And so it goes......pardon me. I have bird shit on my shoulder and I am try to get a comedic view of the situation.

[Austin Ellen]

This is just like any other business. I would ask my hairdresser or therapist or someone in the service industry the same question. Is an apathetic heart required to be a hairdresser or therapist, ect? No, of course not. Same thing with the hobby.
Having healthy boundries,realistic expectations and good acting skills are three elements that makes a great session. When either party oversteps in these areas is when things start to head south. There's also a maturity level one must deal with in this realm. Not everyone is a responsible adult and ,in fact, some are very childish in this business. I always said I loved all my good clients, and I did in my own special way.

[Limitededition]

AH!
To navigate the edd and flow of the hobbying world. We each have perambulated this vast clandestine journey. Generalizations can be made, however, uniqueness is always omnipresent. I too have made boundaries countless times. Some have been broken others steadfast in their resolve. I have learned in my pursuit of pleasure that all aspects of myself have tagged along. It's my burden and my exultation. I have dabbled in a few areas of this sultry world; here hobbying, SD/SB arena and even ventured overseas in my quests. I have learned much about myself, made some great friends along the way and have learned; I too must sequester not only my personal life, but my feelings as well.

We each must find a foundation in which we hold dear. Also, we must respect other's boundaries as we would our own. Only then can we truly divulge our inner desires to ourselves and others. In doing so, the horizon is only the beginning of the boisterous debauchery that LAYS ahead.

Good read, great comments, touched a very personal emotion within me. I had to respond and as always,

Play Safe & Happy Hobbying!