jokes

[geniusman]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"


One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $55.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

[frenchy29-2000]

Do you know how to make Martha Stewart scream twice?
First you fuck her in the ass
Then you wipe your cock in her curtains

[Dagny D.E.W.]

Texas Sex


Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other
cowboy " What is it?'
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands
and whisper in her ear

"Boy, these feel just like your sister's."


Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds!

[Epicurus]

Very nice..

Thanks, TJ ;)

[Epicurus]

One day three three bulls were in the pasture just talking. The first bulls said, "I hear the rancher is bringing in another bull today, that pisses me off." He said, "I have been breeding the same 100 heifers and I am not going to share any with him."

The second bull, who was a bit smaller, said, "I feel the same way." "I have been breeding the same 50 heifers and I am not going to share either."

The third bull, who was very small, said, "I also agree." "I am not sharing any of my 10 heifers with him or anyone else."

About that time a truck pulled up and out steps the biggest, baddest, meanest looking bull they had ever seen.

The first bull said, "You know, I think I will reconsider and give the new bull half my heifers."

The second bull said, "I agree." "I am going to give him half my heifers as well."

The little bull didn't say a word and began to scrape and paw the ground. He began to snort and lower his head as if he was going to charge that new bull. His friends said, "You must be crazy." "That bull is three times bigger than you are - He would kill you in a fight." Don't lose your life by not sharing half your hffers.."

The little bull replied, "Oh, I am not concerned about my heifers." "I just want him to know I am a bull.."

TJ ;)

[Monk Rasputin]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Dagny D.E.W. @ Mar 5 2009, 07:42 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands
and whisper in her ear

"Boy, these feel just like your sister&#39;s."

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds![/b]

Next time we&#39;re together, Dagny, I&#39;d like to try that!

Here&#39;s mine. Stolen fair and square...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian&#39;s mother couldn&#39;t help but notice how beautiful Brian&#39;s roommate Jennifer was. Brian&#39;s Mom had long been suspicious of the &#39;platonic&#39; relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom&#39;s thoughts, Brian volunteered, &#39;I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.&#39;

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, &#39;Ever since your mother came to dinner, I&#39;ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don&#39;t suppose she took it, do you?&#39;

Brian said, &#39;Well, I doubt it, but I&#39;ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________ ________


Dear Mom,

I&#39;m not saying that you &#39;did&#39; take the gravy ladle from the house,
I&#39;m not saying that you &#39;did not&#39; take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.

Love,
Brian

__________________________________________________ ________


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:

__________________________________________________ __

Dear Son,

I&#39;m not saying that you &#39;do&#39; sleep with Jennifer, I&#39;m not saying
that you &#39;do not&#39; sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom

__________________________________________________ _

[geniusman]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Dagny D.E.W. @ Mar 5 2009, 07:42 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Texas Sex


Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, &#39;I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.&#39;
&#39;I don&#39;t think I have ever heard of that one,&#39; said the other
cowboy " What is it?&#39;
&#39;Well, it&#39;s where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands
and whisper in her ear

"Boy, these feel just like your sister&#39;s."


Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds![/b]

That&#39;s very funny Dagny :P :P :P

[geniusman]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Monk Rasputin @ Mar 5 2009, 02:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Next time we&#39;re together, Dagny, I&#39;d like to try that!

Here&#39;s mine. Stolen fair and square...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian&#39;s mother couldn&#39;t help but notice how beautiful Brian&#39;s roommate Jennifer was. Brian&#39;s Mom had long been suspicious of the &#39;platonic&#39; relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom&#39;s thoughts, Brian volunteered, &#39;I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.&#39;

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, &#39;Ever since your mother came to dinner, I&#39;ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don&#39;t suppose she took it, do you?&#39;

Brian said, &#39;Well, I doubt it, but I&#39;ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________ ________


Dear Mom,

I&#39;m not saying that you &#39;did&#39; take the gravy ladle from the house,
I&#39;m not saying that you &#39;did not&#39; take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.

Love,
Brian

__________________________________________________ ________


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:

__________________________________________________ __

Dear Son,

I&#39;m not saying that you &#39;do&#39; sleep with Jennifer, I&#39;m not saying
that you &#39;do not&#39; sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom

__________________________________________________ _[/b]

Good one, Monk

[Dagny D.E.W.]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Monk Rasputin @ Mar 5 2009, 02:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Next time we&#39;re together, Dagny, I&#39;d like to try that!
__________________________________________________ _[/b]

Now, Now Monk, that sounds more like Willow not Dagny :)


Here is a joke that does NOT remind me of Monk
___________________________________________
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

[Dagny D.E.W.]

ya&#39;ll have me reading lots of dirty jokes, my bad

THE TRUTH?
A man tells his wife that he&#39;s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it&#39;s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he&#39;s in this girl&#39;s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she&#39;s furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"