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A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home!
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The Honeymoon
The young couple had saved themselves for their wedding night and were anxious to get on with things. They started taking their clothes off. The groom took his shoes and socks off when the bride noticed his toes and asked him "oh, my, what's wrong with your toes - they're all crooked".
The groom replied "when I was young, I had tolio."
She looked confused and said "you mean polio, right?" He replied, "no, tolio, it only affected my toes." He continued to take his pants off and again, the young bride noticed his knees and said "oh, what is wrong with your knees - they're all scarred".
The groom replied by saying "oh, when I was young, I had kneesles." The bride looked at him again and said, "let me guess, it's like measles but only affected your knees." He smiled and said "yes, that's right" and proceeded to take his underware off.
At that point, the bride looked in amazement and said "let me guess, smallcox?"
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Not the smartest illegal immigrant around
<span style="font-family:Comic Sans MS">'Counterfeit I.D. of the week'....
This is an actual Drivers License from a traffic stop...
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Once upon a time an immigration clerk was working at Ellis Island documenting individuals as they entered the country. One day a ship carrying individuals from Italy arrived and he began to process them.
When he called “next in live” a smallish man came forward. Questions were asked and the man answered each. “My name is Luigi. I am 5’4” and weigh 123 lbs.” When asked if his wife was with him he motioned and a very large woman approached. She also began to answer the questions. “My name is Rosa. I am 6’3” and weigh 287 lbs.”
The registering clerk responded.. “Maam, no offense, but you are big enough to play for the Green Bay Packers.” To which she replied, “I play with no body’s packer but Luigi.”
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I already shared my little nuggets of humor that I receive every year about Darwin Awards with a few friends already. He must be on their mailing list.
Now let's see if anyone likes it here:
> The 2008 Darwin Awards
>
> Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
>
> Here is the glorious winner:
>
> 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
>
> And now, the honorable mentions:
>
> 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
>
> 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
>
> 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harareto Bulawayohad escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
>
> 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
>
> 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
>
> 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
>
> 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him i n the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
>
> 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
>
> 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
>
> In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
>
> *** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***
>
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A hillbillie couple leave divorce court in the small town they live in and the wife is crying her heart and the husband says shut up bitch we are still cousins...
http://i483.photobucket.com/albums/r...hillbillys.jpg
oops i made a boo boo i meant to put this in the joke thread....sorry
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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another..
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still
narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With
each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
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OK the Martian joke was funny as shit;
If any of you SWEET providers start pulling my ears and hitting me in the head :angry:
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A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.
When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.
On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he’d agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:
Dear Madam:
"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...
1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was small
Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!"
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:
"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it."
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...and for those who wonder if photographs are photoshopped, here's a lesson.
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Ever notice how events far apart seem to be related? Well, this is one of them.
At the exact same instant in time that a young man in Australia is getting a blow job from a wrinkled, toothless, 98 year old woman, the wind suddenly picks up with gusts of up to 25 miles per hour on another young man who is walking a tightrope across two tall buildings in New York City.
Now, quick, what do the both think at that instant in time?
"Don't look down"!
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Chinese wedding night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he Is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband Undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to Be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss Time and You berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do Anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want.....................Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'
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I had to LOL on that one...
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US Air Force C-130
Even if you weren't in the service you can understand this one. A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pumptruck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.' Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'