Women and Men and Marriage explained (jokes)

HHAHA got this at work!!

A woman's brain

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Women explained,

by engineer

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by math guy

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by physicist

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by radio operator

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by military strategy guy

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Wife is missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
OFFICER: Wife’s age?
Husband: I’m not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don’t do birthdays.
OFFICER: Wife’s height?
Husband: I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER: Wife’s weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER: Wife’s color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.
OFFICER: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
OFFICER: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.
OFFICER: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
OFFICER: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,
Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,
sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.
It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
OFFICER: Take it easy sir, We’ll find your truck.


The Toughest Questions Are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that everyone is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:

I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I’ve seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define ‘pretty’
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette.”)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

She….Would you get married again?
He…..Definitely not!
She….Why not – don’t you like being married?
He…..Of course, I do.
She….Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
He…..Okay, I’d get married again.
She….You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He…..Yes, I would.
She….Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He…..Where else would we sleep?
She….Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He…..That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She….And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He…..She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.


MARITAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

NINE PHRASES WOMEN USE
(1) “Fine”: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) “Five Minutes”: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) “Nothing”: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.
(4) “Go Ahead”: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
(5) “Loud Sigh”: This is more than an actual word, it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) “That’s Okay”: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) “Thanks”: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (If she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’; that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
(8) “Whatever”: Is a woman’s way of saying GET LOST!
(9) “Don’t worry about it, I got it”: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman — before the wedding and after the wedding.


Subject: Marriage

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a
bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

***
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

***
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

***
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

***
Quote of the day from a stock market investor: “This is worse than a divorce… I’ve lost half of my net worth and I still have my wife..”

***
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married
and wish you were dead.

***
At a cocktail party, one man said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding
ring on the wrong finger?” “Yes, I am. I married the wrong woman.”

***
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife Wanted”. The next day he received
a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

***
When a friend steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

***
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

***
A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

***
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
“Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

***
Young son: “Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife
until he marries her?” Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”

***
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married, and by then, it was too late.”

***
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

***
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.

***
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had
no faults at all.

***
First guy: “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.

***
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.


How to Make a Woman Happy

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

Not rocket science huh!!!

HOW A WOMAN CAN MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer and food


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